Warning: This snippet contains graphic descriptions of an autopsy, hence the title. If these kinds of things bother you, don't read this. You have been warned.
The First Autopsy
By MaBrown
Okay, I am NOT going to be sick. Not...sick. Just pretend they’re talking about what’s for dinner or something. Speaking of which…oh man… I had NO idea that particular part of the human body so closely resembled spaghetti. Uggh.
Not going to be sick. Breathe. I can do this. Oh man, I don’t want to look, but I can’t NOT look. Is that what the inside of my head look like? Oh…getting dizzy, reeeally dizzy. Okay, shake it off. I’m okay. I’m just going to pretend that this is a cheesy horror flick. It ought to work; I’ve seen enough of them.
I can do this. I can absolutely...
{"As you can see here, guys, the bullet went straight through the brain. See...right here...right in the really thick gray matter."}
...NOT do this.
I’m going to be sick. I’m going to be sick. Oh the stomach’s a churin’ and my mouth’s a burnin’. Oh man, breathe deeply. Calm down! Darn’t, I can DO this! Close your eyes and chill man. This is SO not working here. I’m freaking out over nothing. This guy is dead; he can’t feel a thing. So quit flaking out…and breathe! Whoops, better open my eyes, closing them only makes things worse.
Man, I hope Jim didn’t notice that. Maybe he’s paying real close attention to what Dan’s doing right now. In fact, maybe if I look at only Jim, my nausea will pass. Wait, Jim’s looking a little green himself. Don’t tell me Joe Friday isn’t handling this so well either. I’m sure he’s seen his share of this kind of stuff during his covert ops days. Man, the things he’s probably seen on the job would give me nightmares for the rest of my natural life. What did I get myself into, anyway?
Okay, looking at Jim isn’t working either. He’s giving me that “didn’t I tell you to wait upstairs” look. Yeah, well, I didn’t wait upstairs; you needed me down here. Can’t risk you zoning on the autopsy, Jim. You aren’t that good at handling your senses yet. Just didn’t think I’d be coming to an autopsy so soon. I mean, we’ve only been working together for a month. Shouldn’t there be some sort of time limit for this kind of thing? Man, suck it up, Sandburg. Can’t have Jim going all ‘mother-hennish’ on me right now. I so do NOT want to pass out. I need to help Jim, keep him grounded. Surely this isn’t going to take much longer. This guy spotted the bullet wound and fished the thing out, what else does he need to find? Oh man, what is THAT?
{"Hey Jim, come over here and look at this, will ya? The second bullet from the perp’s gun entered here, in the left shoulder. And it exited here out of his lower right chest. Hold on a second...we’ll open this guy up."}
Open what up? HIM??? Oh man, how...what...ewww!! A saw?!? With a freakin’ saw???? They are going to open this poor guy up with a saw?? Same thing they use to cut wood?? What the...
(Bzzzzzz. Crack—Snap---POP!!)
Oh my...
{"There, that did it. Let’s just pry this baby open now, so we can see what damage was done. Boy, this is one stubborn sucker...(crunch!)...There we go. Just takes the magic touch."}
Oh man, never eating again. NEVER!
(Snap---Crack---Squish)
Room is starting to spin. Why is it so hot in here all of a sudden? Man, I am not feeling so hot right now. I shouldn’t have eaten that fried tofu thing for lunch. Oh shoot, why’d I think of food? Dumb, not smart. Oh man, not smart at all. Somebody stop the roller-coaster ride, I want off!! Why didn’t I pick the mating ritual of butterflies for the subject of my diss? Surely it would have been much less graphic than this. They don’t do autopsies on butterflies do they? Oh…geesh…whew…okay…think I’ve had enough.
{"Yep, bullet did a real bad number. Shredded this guy's insides up pretty badly. Let’s just move this stuff around a bit and see what damage was done."}
Let’s not. Let’s not do anything. Okay, where’s the door? Gotta get outta here.
(Squish---Plop)
Uggggh, getting really dizzy. Oh man, Jim, buddy…you’re on your own now…think I’m going to...
{"Hey, what’s this? Weird, this guy’s liver and gallbladder are merged together. Hey guys, check it out."}
Oooookay...saying bye-bye now.
(Thud)
{"Hey, Jim. Is he going to be all right? He hit the floor pretty hard there. Thought he said he could handle this. I gotta tell you, man I lose a lot of guys this way. Just can’t stomach the gore. Speaking of which, I’m kinda hungry..."}
Okay, I thought the point of passing out was to NOT hear what was going on around you. Man, I am NEVER going to live this down.
THE END
~~BTW~~
The merged liver/gallbladder thing came from a true
incident. Earlier this year in February, my poor
Mother had to go in for gallbladder surgery after
having suffered from several vicious gallbladder attacks.
My Dad and I went with her to the hospital on the day
of her operation. We were originally told the
operation would take a couple of hours. I think she
went in at 7am and was supposed to be out by 9am.
Needless to say, a 9:45am, my Dad and I are really
starting to get antsy when we still hadn't received
any word on how the operation went, or even if something had gone wrong.
Too make a long story short, the operation took a lot
longer than the doc had expected because my Mom's
liver and gallbladder were partially merged. In fact,
the doc told us that some patients were actually found
to have their gallbladders completely merged (the
gallbladder being inside the liver.) So because of
the oddity of my Mom's anatomy, the surgery took a
whole hour and a half longer than planned.
But, being the tough trooper she is, Mom came through
the surgery with flying colors!!:-D
